Confessions Of A Video Store Clerk

Confessions Of A Video Clerk:

“Let the truth be known”

The year is almost over. Christmas is nearly upon us like a hungry vulture with its blood-red eyes set on our wallets. Pretty soon, mounds of disgusting snow will cover the ground at our feet. Our cars won’t start. We’ll get frostbite. We’ll get colds. I hate winter! I hate winter! I hate winter! I can’t stand it. It depresses me. I mean, where did the year go? It’s almost 1993. Where did 1992 go? I was just beginning to enjoy myself… and now, this.

This is my last issue as Arts & Entertainment Editor. After this issue, I’ll have the stupid contributing staff by-line beneath my name. How degrading! Hey, but at least I’ll be able to get some sleep on Sunday nights again. I’ll be honest with you, though. I’m really going to miss being here. The computer room alone holds some fascinating memories for me. But, what can you do, eh? You have to move on to smaller and “better” things. Life goes on with or without you.

I have to leave this coveted position because I have recently been re-hired at the video store where I had worked at since high school. I am the only person in that store’s history to ever get re-hired after being fired. I was fired for slugging a co-worker after she threw a whole bunch of Roadhouse videotapes at me and slapping me across the face with a Jane Fonda Workout tape. It was bad enough getting hit by one of Patrick Swayze’s cheesiest movies, but Jane Fonda? Uh-uh. I had to defend myself, so I lightly tapped her jaw and sent her flying though a CD rack. We both got fired, but I alone was re-hired.

So, anyway, I’ve been working at the video store again for nearly two months now and it is seriously taking up a lot of my time. Too much time, in fact, for me to want to be responsible for this newspapery mess. No, by the time I get done dealing with the freaks down at the video store, I want nothing more than to go home and take a hot shower and wash away the creepiness of the customers. As a matter of fact, let me take this moment here to tell you a thing or two about us video store employees. This ought to help us both out.

First of all, don’t ask us what’s good. Do you know how many times I hear those dreaded words: “What’s in that’s good?” It makes my skin crawl! My perception of good is probably quite different than yours. Who am I to dictate what is good? That puts so much pressure on me to find a movie that I think you may like. Half the time I don’t even know who you are. What happens if you hate it? I get blamed. And if you love it, then you’ll always come to me for recommendations. I don’t want that. Think for yourselves. Why don’t you make up your own mind and find something that appeals to you. Or maybe, grow some balls and take a chance on a film you know nothing about. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover a gem. Or a turkey!

Second, we don’t watch all the videos we have. C’mon, I have a life! I have better things to do than sit around on my spare time and watch freakin’ videos. Just because you have enough time on your hands to watch 6 or 7 videos a night, doesn’t mean that I do. Sure, we get to put on video tapes while we work, but we can’t really just sit there and watch them, because we have to take care of every moron that wanders in while waiting for the bus. And anyway, we are forced to put on the same “hot” rentals all the time, over and over. I tell ya, if I have to watch Sister Act or Basic Instinct one more time…!

Third, please do not refer to our Adult Titles as “Fuck Flicks.” Just today some guy comes into the store limping and smelling suspiciously like witch hazel, and he says (quite loudly): “Hey, do ya’ll got any nice fuck flicks?” I was speechless. I stuttered something and turned to my manager for assistance. Thank God he took over.

Another pet peeve regarding adult titles is the attitude that some people have that they are dirty and shameful to look at. These are the people who come into the video store and give dirty looks to the people who are looking at our adult title catalog. C’mon, these people aren’t doing anything wrong. They are indulging in harmless visual stimulation in the privacy of their own home. They are not rapists or pervert. Don’t make our other customers feel ashamed because of your own religious dogma. You should watch one yourself someday and see what it’s like. On second though, you probably do already but won’t admit it.

There are some advantages to working in a video store, though. For one, I can get all the free movies I want. And I can get free movies for my family and friends (But only the ones I can trust to return them). I can see advanced screening copies of movies in the twilight time between their bow at the theatre and their home video release. I get tons of free promotional merchandise like t-shirts, hats, and posters. But best of all, I can see what people are really like by the movies they rent. It is always a treat to see some mild mannered business guy rent a bondage video tape, or some macho neighborhood stud rent the superior drag queen documentary “Paris is Burning.” I get a secret pleasure from that. I don’t know why.

Actually, some of these people do worry me. There’s this one lady who looks very manly. I mean she has a bit of a beard and a heavy voice. She is a bit overweight and seems to be constantly sweating. She always rents transsexual movies. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just makes me wonder…

Well, for all the times I have been asked for a video recommendation, I have decided to name a few titles of flicks that I have seen this past week and enjoyed. This should give you a slight idea of my taste in movies; at least of the ones I’ve seen recently at the video store. Some have called my taste in movies horrible, while others have agreed wholeheartedly. Now keep in mind, I don’t go for the artful content or the film making quality of the movie. I am solely interested in its entertainment value.

*Brenda Starr- I think I am the only person on this earth that found this movie to be not that bad at all. This movie was rumored to be so bad that it was shelved for nearly four years. It stars Brooke Shields in the role of the eponymous comic strip reporter and Timothy Dalton as Basil (the guy with the eye patch). I never read the Brenda Starr in the newspaper, so I was unfamiliar with the concept. But the movie was very entertaining and at times, downright hysterical. The humor is very tongue-in-cheek and the acting is intentionally over the top. It is meant to satirize all those serious comic strips that we all skip over in the Funnies. Let’s put it this way, this flick was ten times better than other cartoon/reality films like the atrocious Cool World or the odious Dick Tracy. Next on my cartoon/reality list to watch is Boris & Natasha about the quintessential enemies of Rocky & Bullwinkle. I hope it’s as much fun as Brenda Starr was. P.S. Did I mention that Brenda Starr was filmed almost entirely in my native Puerto Rico? It was.

* K2- There was only one disappointment for me in this film. The previews prominently featured the song “Moldavia” by Front 242, so I thought it would be used in the movie. Sadly, it wasn’t. The soundtrack was completely dull. But the movie, based on a play, was mesmerizing. I never thought I would enjoy a movie about mountain climbing, but this blew my mind. It has stunning cinematography, but the best aspect about it is the performance between the two central characters that give up everything in their lives to pursue their macho dream of climbing this treacherous mountain. K2 is definitely worth watching.

*Deep Cover- Gritty and shocking, but at the same time poetic, Deep Cover is both a satisfying action movie and psychological drama. Larry Fishbourne, fresh from his triumph in Boyz N The Hood, delivers another fine performance as a good cop who must go undercover as a gangster and finds the allure of evil to be quite attractive. This movie is graphic and unsettling, but it is wonderful to behold. Jeff Goldblum is also great in his supporting role.

*At Play In The Fields Of The Lord- Possibly the best movie I’ve seen this year. It is nearly three and a half hours long, but it is by no means boring. The cast is a virtual who’s who of my favorite stars: Tom Berenger, Kathy Bates, Aidan Quinn, Daryl Hannah, John Lithgow, and Tom Waits. The epic story questions the moral ethicality of the conversion of South American natives to Christianity by American Missionaries. The story and the questions raised are very thought provoking and moving. The entire film has an air of realism, which helps drive its point home. Another great aspect of this movie is that Tom Berenger has a full frontal nude scene. Then again, so does Kathy Bates. Oh, well!

I also want to mention a couple of Adult Titles that we just got in. I think they are hysterical and you should check them out for a few good naughty laughs. Moo Goo Gai Poon, Attack Of The One Name Girls, Single White Nympho, Lawnmower Woman, Boomerwang, In Loving Color, Murphy’s Brown, and Boomeranal. Have a night of funny pleasure for you and your partner.

Before I go, I want to inform you of a few other things. Sweet Convulsions has just premiered their new video for their cover of “I Will Survive.” It is amazing. Through the video, they have added a new dimension to the song: AIDS awareness. The video deals with the lead singer’s coping with his lover’s death at the hands of the horrible disease. It is very powerful. Catch Sweet Convulsions live on New Year’s Eve as part of the Dark Festival at QXT’s in Newark.

Speaking of AIDS awareness: Congratulations to the Kean College Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Network and to all the Kean students for raising over $300.00 during AIDS awareness week. All proceeds went to A.M.F.A.R. I would also like to thank Mike Peterson for his Heidi comic last week dealing with AIDS awareness. Good going guys!

My girlfriend called to let me know that she saw a piece in the Philadelphia news about marijuana being researched as a possible AIDS treatment. If anyone knows anything about this please let me know. I’d be happy to know I’ve been supporting the right thing all along.

Well, this year has been fantastic, but too damn short. I can honestly say that this summer was the best one of my entire life. I just hope that next year proves to be as rewarding as this year. Even though I won’t be A&E Editor anymore, I’ll still be contributing. I look forward to reviewing the new album by Einsterzende Neubauten and other great bits,

I’d like to extend a final farewell to outgoing Editor In Chief Todd Brugmans. Good luck and keep those moose slippers alive! To everyone else, have a Happy Christmas and see ya’ll next semester at The Factory.