Around Campus on Crutches

FACTORY

Around the campus on crutches

From January until March I was on crutches after being involved in a dumb car accident. I was left with a broken femur and a pair of crutches, both of which I have come to despise. I am finally off the crutches and limping around the campus with the aid of a cool-looking wooden cane. Since being on crutches has been a huge part of my life these past few months, I figured I’d write a handy guide for those who have been similarly afflicted.

The first and by far the best aspect of being on crutches is sympathy. You will be showered by waves of sympathy, so you better lean how to milk it for all it’s worth. People will let you get ahead of them in lines; They open doors for you; they smile at you and want to hear about your accident. But the best part of being crutch-bound is the female attention it garners. As soon as you hear a girl say: “Oooh, what happened to you? Poor baby” you know you are in for some quality sympathy. I guess the crutches bring out the motherly instincts in some women. 

Next thing you have to consider about crutches is that it is NOT easy! Don’t be fooled. You don’t use your underarms to lean on the crutches. All of the weight is borne by the hands, and it hurts. I’ve got callouses with personalities of their own on my hands. It is a ton of work. That’s why we always have that pained expression when you see us hobbling around campus. It’s not the broken leg that hurts, it’s our damn hands. 

An important thing to get as soon as you are crutch-bound is the fabled elevator key. This key allows you access to all the elevators in all the buildings. All you have to do is go to the Health Services office, fill out a billion forms, leave a $10.00 deposit, and voila, you got the key! The key is great for avoiding all the steep stairways we have in our school. But most importantly, you can give your friends a free ride up and down, thereby improving your friendships. You can also offer a cute stranger an elevator ride and possibly get a date out of it. 

I didn’t get a handicapped parking permit. I wanted access to those sweet, handicapped spots, but I felt too guilty. I’d rather save it for those who really need them. Besides, I never parked too far, thanks to the faculty spaces and the God-given maintenance parking lot.

A note about the handicapped doors at Hutchinson Hall: Not only do they not open automatically; But they are heaviest doors on campus. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to open one of those doors while balancing on crutches? I urge maintenance, or whomever oversees that, to get it fixed. 

The easiest doors on campus are in the college center because they are automatic doors that DO work. Other buildings should install these automatic doors to make it easier for the truly handicapped people to have access to their education. Geez!

Anyway, apart from the idiots and airheads that insisted on calling me Cripple, Gimp, Handi-Boy, and Stumpy, being on crutches for a little while wasn’t such a bad experience. It takes a lot of getting used to. But if you know how to use it to your benefit, it can be a lot of fun. So, go out and, as they say on Broadway: “Break a leg!”